Where to Poop: A Woman’s Response

Work Hard, Play Harder | The Rival | November 12, 2015

  • Copied

By Sophie Forman

Re: Eric Y’s choices

If you are going to be grossed out by the fact that **gasp** girls poop, I would tell you to stop reading, but I don’t really care. How else do you think I maintain my girlish figure while eating campus dining?

As someone who spends roughly 90% of her time in the library, I have perfected the art of the pooping study break. There are many factors that go into selecting the right bathroom in which to do your business: privacy, cleanliness, auto-flushing that gives you gross poopy splashes, whether the TP holder has a flat top to rest your phone on, etc.. Don’t be a psychopath clenching their butthole until they get home to their private porcelains throne.  It’s time to evolve and adapt – after all, half of college is preparing to live [and poop] in the real world.

I know you were all curious about the female perspective on U of R campus latrines. Without repeating Eric Y’s brilliant LoL (list of lavatories) among the stacks, let me fill you in on my take on campus’s variety of porcelain thrones.

That bathroom near art and music in the tunnels:

This one is very touch and go. It’s not very popular, so there is never a wait time, despite it being only two stalls. It can get gross, but it is a great alternative to the Gleason, Circulation, or ITS bathrooms. The best part? Nobody hangs out in front of Art and Music, so no one will notice the time you go in and the time you come out.

Third floor Carlson Bathroom:

This bathroom has horrible plumbing. There is always a 50/50 chance that the floor will be covered in water (at least I hope it’s water) from overflowing bowls. A friend of mine once compared it to the bathroom where Moaning Myrtle lives (minus the pre-pubescent haunting). While this bathroom may be a great pool to splash around in with your bean boots, it’s not a great pool to drop your kids off in if you catch my drift.. Unfortunately, no one wants to walk all the way down to the first floor of Carlson but have no fear, Sophie’s here! Ladies, take note – there are women’s bathrooms on every floor of Goergen! Just walk over the bridge 🙂

Hutch Hall bathroom:

This bathroom is a N-O-O: Number One Only! If you poop here, you are nuts. There is always a line, and not saying any names, but I know many a freshman (and occasional upperclassmen) who has gone to their 9am Fridays a little too hungover and ended up in there.  

Starbucks single stalls:

I HATE these. While conceptually fantastic, I’ve never left the bathroom without walking into someone waiting outside to use it next. If it says occupied, find another bathroom! I want to feel comfortable and take my time. GTFO.

Stacks A/B (I know I said I wouldn’t repeat Eric’s but whatever): 

These bathrooms are just gross. I avoid lower level stacks usually, but on the rare occasion that I am down in the bowels of the library  I assure you that my bowels will not be going anywhere.. During finals week, or even during any midterms period, these bathrooms are filled with paper towel overflow, feminine hygiene products, and curiously wet toilet seats. And I’m pretty sure everyone can hear me.


These bathrooms get so cold in the winter! Honestly, only go when it’s over 40˚ outside. The windows are always open, which is nice for the smell factor, but not so great when your ass freezes on the toilet seat.

Morey 3rd Floor:

I can’t believe I’m giving up by secret but this is probably the best bathroom on campus . The stalls are air-tight, prime location, clean, and I’ve surprisingly never seen a wait time. The downside? The toilet paper is not frequently replaced.

My personal bathroom (even though most readers can’t go there): 

Wilder tower, suite 410, has maybe the sickest bathroom I’ve ever seen. Decorated to the nines, with a scent diffuser thingy that smells amazing, and FANCY, STORE BOUGHT TP. If you aren’t willing to invest in this for your own bathroom, you are just wrong.