UR Horoscope

No Sting Zone | laurelle | November 9, 2015

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By Laurelle Byrne-Cody

Scorpio

Resist the urge to be vague, speak your mind even if it brutally offends those around you. When that guy or girl at Senior Night tries to dance all up on you tell him(her )to eff off. Or, if you’re into it, push them up against the wall and give em a big ole smooch. If your friends outfit isn’t ‘cute’ tell them they look like a mammoth and must change. This is your week to be an asshole, don’t let it pass. The the ruler of Uranus will only be passing through for a short time.

Sagittarius

This is, well,  a rather saggy weekend for you. You may be at a confusing point in a relationship, friendship, or level of candy crush, but take heart. The answers to all of your problems are in your dreams. If you dream you are naked in front of a crowd this means you should totally take the opportunity this weekend to strip down and streak through the frat quad. You may here whispering around you, feeding you the ‘right’ thing to do. Resist the whispers, get hammered and dream big!

Capricorn

You have an amazing attention to detail. But just because you can look at all the leaves falling from the trees doesn’t mean you should, because you’ll probably get hit by a car. You can be over bearing about little things so calm down or all your friends will start to hate you and you’ll be alone all week. Not like “I’m so drunk I got lost and am alone” but like ” My friends left me at the marketplace mall because I’m annoying.” You’re amazing capricorn but take a step back and loosen the grip on Uranus.

Aquarius

You should be extremely anxious and on your guard all week. The people around you are scheming and it is pivotal that you stay at least three steps ahead of their every move. Theres a good chance that nothing is actually going on but don’t risk it. I strongly recommend you stay inside whenever possible and maybe even avoid rooms with large windows. The world is your oyster young Aquarius, follow the intuitions of Uranus.

Pisces

You consistently struggle between distinguishing between fact and fiction; did that guy really touch your butt at Mex last thursday? Sometimes you face a deep inner struggle, what side should you trust? Should you be a dreamer or a realist? Be a dreamer and take big action, keep dipping your fish into the big waters. Ask not if that man touched your butt, instead take action and touch any butt you want.

Aries

You’ve got a lot on your plate; unlike everyone else at this school you actually have things to do. And guess what? On top of that your room is gross(clean that up ASAP). Regardless of what your plans are or how many people ask you to have drinks with them the obvious answer is… yes. There’s no better way to productively get things done than to drink until you can’t remember them. Just don’t half ass it: Rewards are sweeter when you sweat for them.

Taurus

You’ve been super anxious and not yourself lately, but this is the week for change. A new moon enters the relationship sector of Uranus’ path. This lunation sets the stage for a drastic change in your relationships and other aspects of your life as well. You should look to make just about any change possible, the guess and check method always works out eventually. So try new things, methods, and people. If 2007 Britney never got that sweet hair cut, millions of teens would never have been inspired to stay in school. There’s a little good in everything.

Gemini

Gemini, this is an important week in your grasp for an understanding of Uranus. You need to get back to the thing that matters most in your life. This is something you have taken for granted, something you fail to appreciate and devote appropriate time to: Taco Bell. Just because Chipotle and Moe’s moved in down the road doesn’t mean you should forget about your first mexican. It’s been there through the drunkest of hours and you need to respect it!

Cancer

Your confidence is one of your greatest qualities. However your failure to accept criticism is the reason you leave every group project meeting crabby as hell. This is week you need to as Gandhi once said  “check yoself before you wreck yoself”. Keep that ego in check and this could be a great week for you… Uranus is powerful for you right now, but use your head.

Leo

An unplanned activity will be the source of great happiness this week. You like to be in control, but sometimes this holds you back from actually being in control. Relax and live guilt free this week. Push the work off of your desk, literally, burn all of it, grow a beard and let out your inner lion/lioness and do it big. Chase the groundhogs around campus and catch them within your ferocious fangs. This is the peak week of Uranus. If you frighten those around you have no fear, things are in the hands of a higher power and they will come around.

Virgo

This week is a perfect time to compliment people. You should make it your personal goal to compliment every stranger you see. No thought or intuition is too weird this week.  Uranus is in a generous and giving spot this week as it eclipses Saturn. Most importantly, it’s important to compliment yourself. It’s not weird to talk to yourself on your way to class as long as you’re giving yourself a nice pat on the back for not wearing sweatpants to class again.

Libra

The moon is shining over Uranus in a peaceful spot this week. You may find yourself feeling reserved and spiritual. Something in your life complimented by the placement of Uranus has sparked an inner sensation for you. Appreciate this week for what it is. You are the closest thing to Buddha on campus this week and there is no shame in sharing your spirituality with those around you. It is an excellent idea to go door to door in Sue B and spread the spiritual teachings of Uranus.

 

This is a satirical post. I know nothing about Uranus…