UR Finals Survival Guide

No Sting Zone | laurelle | December 9, 2015 SATIRE

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By Laurelle Byrne-Cody

It’s finals time. The papers, tests, and projects we have been procrastinating for months are just around the corner. It is important to be a rational decision maker in consideration of your wallet, your time, and most importantly your sanity. These are my rules to get you through.

1) You will be sleeping very little over these next two weeks, so even though you won’t have time for your usual gym session (elliptical, abs, biceps if you’re in a frat) you should still make sure you’re eating plenty.

2) Your body is a machine and needs caffeine in any way you can get it. Don’t rule out taking pre workout in the morning if you no longer have the declining to blow at Starbucks.

3) It is socially acceptable to linger around the ‘Tapingo’ cart at Starbucks. If a drink is there for longer than 5 minutes (or 30 seconds) it is fair game. Trust me I did it earlier today… Sorry Iesha #278.

4) This is the perfect time to befriend the super smart freshman in your all-senior poli-sci class. So what if he has braces, he probably has tons of declining and probably some guest swipes. If you live off campus spending your whole day in the library can be dangerous. Nourish yourself.

5) If you have serious work to do, do not, I repeat do not go to Gleason. It is never a good idea. You don’t have time to make an assignment drag on any longer than necessary. Get it done so you can do fun things at nighttime (Insert Beer Here).

6) If you get really frustrated with your work, go up to 500 Stacks and hang with the Religion books they always know how to chill.

7) If you’re really bored and need a study break get your mind off of your work and scroll back in your phone to find the ugliest screenshot of your ‘friend’ you can find. Instagram it. With every heart you get on Instagram find the fuel and motivation to get back to work.

8) Music can be essential. You’re going to be in the library for so many hours you are going to end up listening to some very weird stuff, and there’s no shame in it. Depending on the time of day there is absolutely no shame in listening to Whitney Houston’s Greatest Hits. “Didn’t We Almost Have It All?” after all?

9) When you start to feel bad about how you’re going to do on an assignment or test think about all of the stupid things Donald Trump said this week.

10) Find ways to bring holiday cheer and stress relief together, like chopping down a tree in GVP, trying to catch a deer to bring home as a stress relieving pet, or recording your own drunken Christmas album.

11) It is always a bad idea to bring beers to the library… most of the time.

12) Get creative on how to get notes from other people. “I’ll send you mine if you send me yours” is always a good line. They don’t need to know you only took notes for the first three weeks of the semester.

13) Don’t sleep in the library. In years past when it’s been blizzarding outside I understood it a little bit more, but it’s 40 degrees outside. Put on your Patagonia pullover and go home and take a shower. Library trolls are dirty.

14) Table reservations in the library can be tricky. I see it as a poker game, it all depends on your wager. If you’re willing to leave your Macbook, coat, and backpack on a table unattended, you truly live life on the edge and I do not want to mess with you, I honor your reservation. That table is yours. Anything less valuable I will relocate and then laugh as you try to find it later.

If you follow these rules precisely not only will you survive, you might even get a B… maybe.




This article itself was an act of finals procrastination.