By Javier Torres
Rochester, NY – Earlier this week, a massive flood broke out in the Gale building due to bad piping, destroying the rooms and property of numerous students. Today, Reslife officials have announced that they will be providing personal kayaks to those who were affected by the flooding.
“We want to assure our residents that we understand and care deeply about their
need to move throughout their residence hall, this is the first of many steps to deal with
this event as well as providing the means to prevent such occurrences in the future”
stated the official email sent this morning.
The statement goes on to note that a mandatory roll of Extra Strength Brawny toilet paper will be included in every room beginning next month, and paddles for the kayaks will be provided by the beginning of Fall 2018.
The email also addresses student complaints about damaged personal property.
“We take full responsibility for the cleanup effort. We want to assure our residents that they will not have to throw out a single piece of their property, as their RA’s will be happy to clear out every room, and will do so this Friday at midnight, when it is most convenient.”
At press time, Reslife officials were spotted reading through the resident contracts in an effort to find clauses that prevent them from having to take such action again.
This is a satirical post.