Places To Poop On Campus: Ranked

Work Hard, Play Harder | The Rival | November 4, 2015

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By Eric Y. 


We’ve all been there before. You’re sitting in your favorite spot in the library, reading some random guy’s Yahoo Answers response so you can figure out how to do your WebWork, when you get that familiar feeling rising from inside you. It hasn’t been long since you made the mistake of ordering those goddamn ridiculous garbage plate balls from The Pit, but its been long enough.


Wherever you’re in the library, odds are you aren’t near the most optimal location to take care of your business. Some of us may feel compelled to retreat to their posh bathrooms in Phase or wherever you may lay your head. But this list is not for the faint of heart. No, this is for the true grinders, who want to drop the kids off at the pool and get right back at it. Maybe you take your time and go through the previous night’s snap story log while you’re dropping your own log, but when you’re done you’re coming back strong to do what you gotta do.


For your convenience and pleasure, here are the definitive, completely objective, best places to poop in the library. Ranked.


  1. Circulation

You are a god damned sociopath if you poop in this bathroom. Definitely one of the highest trafficked bathrooms on campus and arguably in all of Monroe County. Half the time the place is brimming with old paper towels when you walk in. Don’t try unless you like dropping a deuce while the 3 kids waiting to take a leak less than a yard away can hear the intricate details of your movement.


  1. The bathroom outside ITS

Great place to come if you like a nice, warm toilet seat. Every time I walk in I expect to see one of those people who basically live in ITS shaving in there.


  1. Gleason

I have heard people swear by pooping in Gleason, but I won’t have it. Too many people nearby watching you come out after you’ve unloaded who know exactly what you’ve done and that makes me uncomfortable.


  1. 3 new

This is actually a really poopable bathroom, but I ranked it low just because I accidentally walked into the ladies room one time and I think about it every time now.


  1. Tunnels

Great, discreet place to go number two. Multiple locations of your choosing that are very accessible but still very private. Being underground may add a bit of eeriness to your bowel movement, but maybe you’re into that. I don’t know.


  1. Stacks A/B

Highly recommended spot to release the hounds. Usually clean and rarely do you have to deal with a bathroom companion. Only downside is I think the people outside can hear me pooping. Sorry.


  1. Great Hall

This is about as good as it gets when it comes to letting loose in the library. Tucked away near the rare books room, it is usually empty and very private. The only reason its not number one is because I often see a friend and they ask “Oh are you coming up here to study?” only for me to respond with “No I just come up here to poop.”


  1. Not telling you

Nope you’re not getting this one. I know this is a total cop out but there are very few private places in the library and I’m not giving this one up. You’re gonna have to set up camp somewhere else. Too bad.


Got another spot I missed? Like pooping by ITS? Leave a comment or use SideBar then, you weirdo.