New Metrics Used Toward Platinum and Gold Certifications

No Sting Zone | laurelle | February 16, 2016 SATIRE

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By Javier Torres

Washington D.C. – As album sales continue to dwindle, the RIAA is turning to new ways to quantify the musical success of popular musicians. The rise of streaming services such as Spotify and Apple Music have forced music executives to count streaming numbers toward Gold and Platinum certifications. Most recently, the RIAA has opted to include a category they call “Pissed Off White People.”

“We typically measure this data from various sources,” says Randy Carlyle, a data collection representative for the RIAA, “comments on videos, multiple-paragraph long rants, and out of context pictures with blunt statements printed on them.”

The recent backlash from Beyoncé’s most recent song “Formation” and the accompanying video/performance is one of the most recent examples of this new metric being used to gauge an artist’s success.

“Really, any time her name and the song are mentioned, or even implied, in a rant about how something made a white person uncomfortable it’s as good as a play on the radio these days,” said Carlyle. “It’s clear that as an artist she is achieving her goal of getting people to talk about something, regardless of how those people feel.”

The RIAA has stated that they will continue to look into the issue. They have even considered a more general “Pissed Off People” metric to gauge response to artists such as Kanye West, who as of late has seemed interested in moving forward with a strategy to just piss everyone off.

This is a satirical post.