By Javier Torres
Rochester, NY – Regarding the situation as an “unlucky tornado of coincidence,” Raphael Vasquez reported today that he ended up being forced to eat lunch with James Berg for about 25 minutes.
“I’ve run into the guy a few times at the Rugby house because he used to live on Kevin’s floor, or whatever, but I’ve never chilled with him or anything” stated Vasquez, making sure to note that James seemed “pretty chill, but not a dude I’d chill with– especially alone.”
The ordeal took place around noon at the Douglass Dining Hall. Raphael had visited the dining hall a few times to meet with friends. “I was next to get some buffalo meatloaf when Kevin texts me like ‘yo man, we can’t make it to lunch today.’ “
“I was pissed because I had already swiped in, so I figured I would just eat quietly by myself and check fantasy football or something.”
A chance encounter swiftly ruined these plans. “I’m grabbing some napkins and I make eye contact with James. I figured he would just nod and walk away but he came over me. I started walking away and he followed me to my table and sat down.”
James’ invasion only got worse as he tried to make conversation about the coming winter. Vasquez found his attempts at defense to fall flat. “The second he stopped talking I would respond quickly and look back at my phone. I figured he would get the point, but he kept fucking asking me about where the calc test was going to be in the afternoon.”
Vasquez was finally rescued from the excruciating interaction when he saw Lauren, that girl he met at that Frisbee party last weekend. James continued to finish his lunch as Vasquez excused himself.
“I’m just glad that it’s over,” Stated a relieved Raphael Vasquez, “Chances are, I probably won’t have to do that sober again.”
This is a satirical post.