By Javier Torres
The fall semester is finally coming to a close. For the Class of 2016, one thing looms large: Graduation.
College seniors are asking themselves a lot of questions right now: “Am I going to grad school or am I going into the job market?” “Where will I live?” “When do I have to start making my own doctors’ appointments?”
However, the most important question to answer at this time is “How am I going to break up with my girlfriend/boyfriend of 2 to 4 years?”
Fear not! The No Sting Zone has a few tips on how to go about breaking things off with your significant other before it’s too late.
1. Look for an out. It’s not as hard to end a long term relationship if you’ve been wronged!
2. Be unclear and non-committal when your SO proposes any plans further than a month in advance. You don’t know what you’re doing then. Why waste time making plans to go on a trip if you can’t even plan for you future?
3. Use moments of silence to make cryptic, but foretelling statements. “It’s been quite a run, hasn’t it?” It is key that these statements are preceded by long periods of silent staring and reminiscent sighs.
4. Shake hands firmly with his or her parents after every visit. You don’t know if this might be the last time you see them, so make sure the polite goodbye comes in the form of an extra firm handshake. IF APPLICABLE: Make sure to offer your SO’s siblings some life advice while ruffling their hair and giving them a pat on the back.
5. Prepare yourself for crippling loneliness. You’re going to be cutting ties with one of your best friends with one semester left in your undergraduate career, so find a good book to read or a new TV show to get into to fill up all of your new free time! You can also use this as an opportunity to get to know yourself a bit more.
This is a satirical post. But feel free to give it a try and email us with the result.