Bieber Finally Brings “Purpose” to Everything He Touches

No Sting Zone | laurelle | November 19, 2015

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Justin Bieber’s new album came out this past week taking the nation by storm. The 21-year-old Bieber has released his new album “Purpose” just in time for a mass flux of heartbreak recovery and finals depression on college campuses throughout the country.

“I kept getting sucked back in by my ex,” says sophomore ChiChi Anderson. “But that’s because I could only listen to so much angsty Taylor Swift. Now Justin has shown me that there’s more and these hard times can be uplifting! It’s just been so hard we dated since like Mel Weekend, that’s like ages ago.”

ChiChi particularly spoke high praises of the song ‘Love Yourself’; she later admitted she hasn’t actually listened to the album in its entirety.

The Eastman Campus has no comment at this time, however the River Campus has embraced it’s ‘Bieber-fever’ with open arms. In fact, one campus sorority has already made unofficial claims on “I’m a Belieber” tee shirts in preparation for this years Relay for Life.

“We really wanted to beat out the DG girls they always beat us to creative ideas,” said an anonymous source within the sorority. “It was essential we establish we were the first ‘Belieber’s on campus. I think it will really help recruitment; LOVE YOU JUSTIN!”

As for Justin Bieber himself, currently awaiting his upcoming tour he will be hanging low in his Los Angeles home with 200 of his closest female friends. “I don’t know what else America was expecting… I’ve been making up shit about love since I was 13 through a lot of heartbreak in the past year.”

*This is a satirical post*