Abolish the Towards-the-Crotch Head Push

Work Hard, Play Harder | Melanie | October 26, 2015

  • Copied

There is a plague running rampant across the youth of these United States. It is an offensive disease that infects everyone it reaches. This disgusting act can only be described as the “Towards-the-Crotch Head Push.” And it needs to be stopped.

The Towards-the-Crotch Head Push affects people of all genders. I have heard an endless amount of stories from peers recounting their experiences dealing with it. I personally had my first experience with the Head Push in the fall of my freshman year. One may think this to be a little late in life to have experienced such a rampant action. But, considering I only had two boyfriends in high school (one of which was busier figuring out the logistics of intercourse and the other of which would squirm away from me if I so much as tried to hold his hand), it makes a lot of sense.

One late fall evening, I received that romantic text that every young college girl only dreams of receiving: “Hey u up?” Why yes, young college boy! I am in fact “up.” (Or more importantly, “down,” amiright?)

Within minutes, I opened my door to my suitor. To my surprise, he didn’t whisk me away to his room. After climbing a moldy set of Sue B stairs, he opened a door revealing an empty dorm room. No furniture aside from a dingy college bed frame and mattress. It was definitely one of the more “minimalistic” places I’ve hooked up in, for sure. I tried to ignore my surroundings as he placed me on the sticky, plastic twin mattress.

I was still contemplating how much this situation would be improved by a set of jersey sheets when I felt it – the beginning of The Push. It started towards the side of my head, imitating a caress. But I knew what it really was and did not like it one bit.

His hand crawled up to the crown of my head and slowly, but surely, began to exert downward pressure. This pressure was physical, yes. But it was also made up of a kind of social pressure that I didn’t realize at the time. Pressure that told me that it was a necessary part of any sexual encounter, that I need to just get down there already or I wouldn’t be good enough or fun enough.

The Towards-the-Crotch Head Push embodies everything that can go wrong in a sexual exchange. It is centered around a lack of communication that could easily lead to a forced sexual interaction. The issue wasn’t that he wanted me to go down on him; I expected that much. The issue was that he thought it was acceptable to communicate that desire through a forceful, demanding act. It gives no real option to respond with a “no” or even a “not right now.”

In terms of exploration, the head push leaves little time for partners to discover what they enjoy about each other. While genitals are widely regarded as the most sexual body part, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t also enjoy the ride getting there. Some of the most rewarding experiences are when you don’t have a goal in mind. Take, for instance, driving around aimlessly while blasting music on a beautiful day. Now imagine that feeling but IN BED!

Above all, the Head Push is just selfish. Yes, I might want to S your D. But I want to do it on my own goddamn time, when I’m good and ready. Trust me, we’ll both be happier that way. Oral sex is usually way better when one party isn’t harboring resentment the whole time.

Also another tip: don’t hook up in abandoned dorm rooms. It’s way less hot than you’d think.