By Javier Torres
Rochester, NY – Making no effort to hide his smug grin, Campus Dining coordinator Tim Rose announced that for the 15th year in a row, the University of Rochester has been awarded the prestigious “#1 Campus Dining” title, an award determined by the votes of 15 members of the University of Rochester Campus Dining staff.
“The parents love to read shit like this,” said Rose, finding pause to speak in between bouts of maniacal laughter, “and they are the ones paying so that’s all that really matters.”
Student dining has been a topic of heated contention between student leaders and campus officials, according to local sources. “We just wish that at least one dining hall was open past 6pm,” stated Kevin Mullen, a member of the university vegetarian advocacy group, “I really didn’t think we were asking for a lot.”
Recently, reports have surfaced of campus dining staff members spitting in student meals prior to serving them. “And guess what? I fucking tell them to do it,” stated Tim Rose, “I have nothing but contempt for those greedy little shits, I didn’t have any options growing up, so neither should they.”
Representatives for the President of the University of Rochester could not be reached for comment at press time.
This article is satirical.